I got to know a man admittedly via the internet, an experience not to be repeated! It took me some time to to realise that he was not the person he portrayed himself to be despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Even when I ended the relationship he was still claiming he loved me and that I was the one whilst letting me down and have sexual relationships with other women.
I have learnt that actions speak louder than words. If he loves you, you will know it. If you feel confused then he doesnt. Thanks NML for another great post. This I think is the tricky part. Essentials might be things that increase a sense of value to yourself and your partner and your community and extended family. Respect and honesty, honor and integrity, I think, count here. Essential core values should increase a sense of security, of believing you are on a path of bringing together a shared life.
Without core values, you have a choice between trusting him because he tells you to — or because his actions and life make it plain that he is trustworthy. Thanks for pointing out the differences between core and secondary values! To Jamie, about divorce and child custody.
And without them, you don't have anything.
How could I ask respect from my ex or criticise him for being disrespectful when I did not value this in myself and behave in a respectful manner to him? I will tell you why. My EU is with our 2yr old daughter at a different hospital, who had a terrible accident last sunday, so she is in the burn unit.
That is not GLUE binding us during a hard time. I am having a VERY hard time, as my emotions are those of a normal emotional woman, who has 2 children in 2 different hospitals with major issues. He is handling it in a superhuman way, as his emotions are not overly involved. After all, he is a narcissist. He mentally knows he should be feeling it , and tries to act like he does, but I know him better than that.
He is calm cool and collected, not hindered by my near hysteria and tears under the surface.
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He is doing the best he is capable, but my point is, the glue that binds is not sex or good looks. OMG this is exactly like me! This whole article has struck so many chords with me. I guess I will be extra vigilant about the red flags from now on and, as tough as it is, be ready to walk away if those familar feelings return. JJ2 I laughed when I read this: This sucked me in about the EUM I found myself briefly involved with. Reserved, quiet, keeps to himself kinda like me. I thought we could understand each other…I made that a value. Yet it could not be…since att the end of the day the loner wanted to alone.
For example, I started dating someone who cheated on their girlfriend with me. I know, what was I thinking? Why would this person be a good choice. I comes back to common values. I am someone of strong character, who is not afraid to address those tough issues in a relationship.
The fact that you both like movies and hikes, does not mean much if this person thinks that lying is acceptable. This post made a lot of sense to me. I had always thought that if two people shared common interests, that this was enough. Now, when I look back over the 14 intervening months, I note that he abandoned his wife and three kids, so my abandonment paled in comparison to that heinous exercise. I now understand the importance of shared values, such as commitment, honesty, respect, mutual care for one another, sharing both the good and bad with one another, follow-up, meaning what you say, saying what you mean, having your actions match your words, and clear and complete communication.
This sums me up — and he did not share one of these values with me. It makes so much sense now…. You made some great key points. You mentioned that he abandoned his wife and three kids. That in essence speaks for itself. No need to go further. I would ask him everyday… Have you spoke to your girls? How can a man not communicate and take care of his kids?
I had to cut ties with him. Plus, in these current times, I can understand being concerned about three young daughters with a new, unknown commodity of a middle-aged man miles away. Where things went awry was when he zoned out on me, I wrote him a lengthy, heartfelt e-mail trying to figure out what was happening to him, and to us. Despite e-mails and texts back and forth since that time until Thanksgiving, I never saw him again. To add crisis to crisis, my XBF of some long standing, now gone for 5 years, moved back to my state last Saturday and stopped by the other night to see how I was doing!
I suspect that he wants to get together, but I am dead inside from the most recent XBF turmoil. I am so exhausted by these two that I am committing to spending the summer with my two pups while swimming the months away! Seriously, what is wrong with them? That connection just has to be there.. You state that your XBF came by to visit. So the devil knew that I was vunerable during that time that he asked me out and we started dating. I think we women have to be careful of the things that suddenly pop back into our lives cause at the end of the day it could be the same story just a different chapter..
Same player… same games… and then we are left wondering DAM not again!! Its been my first 30 days of NC from my narcissist EX… and its about to be 30 more days.. Best of luck to you, JJ. It sounds like you too have had some hard times. I feel nothing for the XBF — it has been 61 months since we last spoke, and since I last saw him.
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What energy I have I must preserve for me, my work, and my dogs. I will just try to coast for a while, and see what happens. As for the other one…it is hard for me to stop playing the audio- and videotapes in my head of our relationship, or to make any sense of it. My ex-boyfriend and I shared a ton of interests. This was a good if painful lesson that meshing values really have to be top priority, and that I have to consciously hold out this priority as I assess each new man I meet!
So many men AND woman say they want one thing, but they truly are looking for something else. I think a careful evaluation of core values will keep me from justifying a realtionship that is very charged with sexual chemistry. Two years ago I was jettisoned from what was essentially a three year booty call! He wanted frequent sex and I wanted a connection to a man who looked good on paper.
It was a disastor because of the difference in our values. Today I passed him at sporting event for our children. I am so relieved to be away from him. His dumping me and moving on to a new victim is very liberating. However, I need to be very mindful of my pattern to put up with incredible crap if the sex is decent.. In fact in some cases the sex was less than satisfactory but I have always had a very strong romantic streak that made me justify any man with whom I was sexual. Now I am going to have much stronger boudaries for sexual involvement and look for really great compatibility out the bed room first.
I can just hear me telling some hot guy….. I just need to know that we are compatible outside the bedroom. Hope this works …… I enjoy thinking about this strategy and how much power it gives me. Likes the same music, hobbies 2. Our famiilies like each other. He makes me laugh. I think the opposite of this can happen, too.
Maria I completely agree.. Unfortunately the little narcissist in all of us may believe that we are special enough to make him see the error of his ways, We will evantually bring out the goodness in him with our penetrating warm glow!
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You cannot change someone else, they can only do that for themselves. The problem is that it can take many painful years to come to this realisation. For those who desperately want some payback for their emotional investment it is heartbreaking to realise that this will never happen. And they have really been wasting their time. You are so right. If you think you can change a Nar and an EUM you may as well forget about it. The only way that you yourself can help them is by removing them from your life period and that means all the way. These type of men cannot be helped by a woman.
Core values and all that crap are out the window too with these type of men. To JJ… percent agree. As these men behave like naughty children the only real way to respond it to teach them a language they understand — consequence for their actions. This is a tricky one. They may have felt that they had nowhere to go from that point as it sounds like an uncomfortable situation.
If she was your friend, and she screwed up, and you told her so, when she offered to compromise, even though it followed you getting annoyed, it was an opportunity to move on and give the benefit of the doubt. She may have thought you were cutting off your nose to spite your face, or being mean. Just like she wanted to see me squirm back then, she may have wanted to see me squirm now; you see? She is stalking your husband!
But the location she initially proposed was bad for her and me it was far from where we both usually work downtown.
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I was really gathering from my own experience with a Narcissisist in which I never did follow through and leave when I should have. This just acted like a turbo boost for his cruelty and he would continue unafraid of consequence as time after time I had not implemented any! Take me as I am. So she was shocked with what I did. Dear Used — exactly that! I have struggled with this cycle of behaviour for years and he has got worse and worse, continually pushing boundaries. I know all about passive aggression, am sorry you have experienced that too!
However a normal empathetic person does not need to be repeatedly told that their behaviour is unacceptable! They can manage it themselves. The fact that your friend was surprised when you told them where to go I guess means that they were quite damaged in their mind to think they had done nothing wrong?? Olivia… it is definitely all about them.. When I was dating my Nar it was all about him.. He was never concerned with my feelings. And he was trying to get his USE out of ME By telling me he needed this paid and that paid… I could not have sex withhim unless I paid a bill or something.
It did not start out like that believe me. He saw me as a way to his supply. Last week my phone was flooding with calls from numbers that I could only identify during our previous short breakup cycles. He must not be too sure of himself that I am done with him so he has others to even call and ask for the wrong person. I have never felt better. I can only pray for his next victim. As soon as he knows that a serious committment is expected of him he is going to make a RUN for it.
These type of men are incapable of giving and receiving LOVE. With them its just not happening. Now I know what to look out for…. This is why she gets along with the ex-EUM and no one else from her past. What she does wrong you can not put a finger on you never know whether she solely, if at all, is to blame , you can not directly accuse her of, OR is passive-aggressive. She was wrong for what she did; the frind was wrong for not confronting her directly. But her behavior was such that the friend could not tell her why she was wrong without sounding like she was putting herself down.
I am so happy for you that you have found the strength to try and move on from your EUM. I hope that the next 30 days are easier than the last and then the next 30 even easier and so on until you are fully back on track to being emotionally whole again. Multiple phonelines — one for this one, one for that. Unlike you I am only at the beginning stages of making the cut from my Nar, and like you I am finding these forums very theraputic in helping me gather the strength I need in order to start ignoring him for good. My EUM also calls me from different phones and expects unreasonable sexual activity.
At first he was loving and passionate as yours was but now all he wants to do is fornicate in varying degrading and sadistic manners. I am slowly being turned into some sort of object and am losing my identity fast. He intimidated my work colleague to such an extent that I had to quit my job and I have recently found out he has another family and kids.
Yet he does not accept responsibility for any of it. I am 22 and should be enjoying my life to the full but instead often find myself housebound and miserable waiting for him to call, If i do venture out with friends to enjoy myself he finds away of flying into a narcissistic rage or becomes overly verbally abusive and critical. At other times he is charming and superficially loving saying all the right things. He is the charming monster, the wolf in sheeps clothing. And I am the lamb trapped in the lions den. When someone loves from their strengths they know who they are and are drawing from a deep, full well to give to you without demanding a drink in return.
Honestly, going into marriage with my wife I really struggled talking about money. I let money and the honest conversations about it become a wedge in my relationship. Conversations about money can be the great time bomb in a relationship. When you think about your future together, can you list three things that you think would be excruciating to let go? Identify what you feel are non-negotiables now so you can avoid any large, gaping ravines ahead. Does religious faith play a role in your present and do you want faith to play a role in your future? What do you truly believe about how to live your life and what happens when you die?
10 Things That Hold More Importance In A Relationship Than Love
Weighty questions, I know, but important ones. I really believe that if there are large differences in your faith now, those will only become bigger and more cumbersome as your relationship progresses. Especially when kids come into the equation. How will you raise them? What do you want them to believe? Like that yearbook from our awkward years, we all have things we hope our partner will never lay eyes on.
And marriage has the amazing ability to take all that you hoped remained hidden, and put it on stage for a nationally televised interview that your in-laws will be watching. Begin to ditch those bags now. Marriage is budgets, laundry, broken toilets, work, weddings, funerals, births, and everything in between.
Because marriage is built on a million more mundane moments than magical.
How do you envision marriage after 10 years? Are you traveling the world with your spouse? Do you have three kids encased in white picket glory? Are you both working corporate jobs? Are you doing missions work in a different country? Do you have six kids and are driving a bus across the nation to perform a family rhythmic gymnastics routine at county fairs?
Your plans, goals, and ideas of the future change—but people who refuse to talk about it rarely do. But with what you know now after going through these questions, can you sit down together and write a vision statement for your relationship? What will be the goal of your relationship beyond just your relationship? Who and what will you impact together? And free chapters from my debut best-selling book Secrets For Your Twenties. Enter your email below and then check your email for instructions.